Journal #26

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If anyone who's seen my let's play videos have noticed, I've been taking a break from doing anymore videos for a while.

Long video short, my failure to save Kate Marsh from killing herself really messed me up. I've struggled with suicidal feelings a few times (and Kate's method of suicide matched the one I made in my head) and this part of the game really put me on edge. I also have a history of self harm (no cutting, just more like hitting myself hard enough to leave a bruise or bite down hard on my palms) that my medications and sessions with my therapist help stop.

Another aspect that was hard to sit through was that I have a friend that has similar problems akin to mine and failing to help Kate made me realise that I might do the same in real life. My friend has assured me that their problems are largely contained and dealt with but sometimes I worry about her. It's the big brother aspect I have with her I guess.

With Kate, I identify, relate to and empathise with fictional characters more than non-fictional people. Something simpler about them maybe, something I think Scott McCloud talked about in Understanding Comics. I understand them better from my own experiences with character analysis I've researched and my own understandings of them. My devotion to the truth, even when its hard and reaps little reward is something I take heavily from Applejack (the more I think of it, she might be my favourite pony). 

So on that note, I don't think I'll continue the series for another week or two. For the rest of the night and following day I was blaming myself for killing Kate and now I'm scared of what might come next. But eventually I'll just have to confront my fears and play on. 







 


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